Short people got..

here's the skinny

2005-07-28T09:34:00.000-05:00

the fact is, I have overextended myself..I just can't handle two blogs..so if you wanna find me, you should go to www.livejournal.com I am fanackapan there too. many more entries..sorry blogger.com :(

done diddly un done done

2005-05-27T10:43:00.000-05:00

I finished all my college work and it is in. I got an A on my last paper, I need a job. badly. I am bored and don't know what to do right now. I would be super if I was rich. Then I could travel and shop, and have massage/manicure pedicure days every other day. Time to contact temp agencies. hope they don't want references. i haven't got any worth talking to. boo hoo.

I am blogging about my pussy

2005-05-19T10:17:00.000-05:00

cat.

let's see if i get porn enthused google-ers like silver. I enjoyed talking to silver last night..it is nice to talk to friends. I am glad we are friends :) I have been talking to my cat too much, b/c I have holed myself up trying to figure out this incomplete project for my degree. I had to have a phone around last night, b/c I was starting to lose my human words. I am becoming a rather frighteningly good cat-communicator though. My cat comes running when i say "mmmm, time to bite mouse" in feline, but she is starting to get wise, cuz I never really AM chewing mouse when she gets there. You would not believe just how viscious that phrase actually sounds in feline. If more people spoke feline, the world would not think cats were all cute and cuddly, they would realize they are viscious freeloaders, but that is ok, even viscious freeloaders are cute if they are fluffy and you outweigh them by a factor of 20. Just think about that in global terms my friends.

new horizons

2005-04-20T17:19:00.000-05:00

It looks very likely that my father and I have had our last "words". Unless he just waits a few months and then contacts me and pretends nothing has happened (totally possible), but I am pretty much done I think. he gives me heartburn and I start shaking and my voice goes all funny (like the first time you give a speech) whenever I have to see him for any amount of time. It feels sad, b/c I feel guilty that he is going to be all alone with his hate b/c he has no friends and hates everybody, but I can't deal with a father that thinks I am worth less respect than half the population simply b/c I am female. Also, he lies.
Anyway, i told him if he would not even try work things out with me I didn't see any future for our relationship. He agreed, b/c I wouldn't see HIS point of view.
The prospect of future Christmas and birthdays and Thanksgiving when I don't have to spend it with him is like some soothing balm running all over me.
We have absolutely nothing to talk about that doesn't turn into a fight. I told him I was in counselling the last time I had a phone conversation with him. I told him I was working on believing that I deserve respect and a good life and not taking other people's bullshit that wasn't my problem. He told me not to "overdo it".
Apart from that he only has the divorce to talk about besides the diatribes he repeats verbatim to you to every time he sees you. I can almost recite them.
He is so full of hate for everything that I get physically sick around him. One of the last times I was out to lunch with him, he turned to me (out of the blue to me, but i don't know what was going on in his head) and told me I was "a horrible person" and then smiled and pretended he didn't say anything. I yelled at him and told him I WAS NOT a horrible person and to stop telling me I was...He just pretended I hadn't said anything. I felt like I was going to puke all the way home.
I hope he writes me out of the will.

somthing more important might come up

2005-04-14T11:21:00.000-05:00

not a big deal
So my dad just emailed me back about my graduation ceremony. He said "I will do my best to be there" hmm, a month's notice and you are retired, and it is on a Sunday..well I can see how it would be hard to COMMIT to coming, it isn't like it is a big deal or anything.
He replied again to the email telling me what time his birthday lunch is..I almost told him I would "do my best to be there..if nothing else came up", but I didn't..
I said, "I will be there"..it wasn't that hard.

I have not seen my dad in I think about six months..since arund thanksgiving I think..or beginning of december??..no maybe I saw him for a few minutes a couple months ago, not for a while anyway, I'm sure he doesn't miss me, b/c i don't talk about what HE wants to talk about when HE wants to talk about it. Can you tell I'm annoyed? good.

could it be true???..really??..still don't know.

2005-04-13T13:16:00.000-05:00

ok, I have been looking over my options here..I think it is unlikely that I am going to get stellar grades this semester..I'm thinkin at least one B but well let's face it, that isn't stellar. So I have to finish my Incomplete 20 page paper..(major work being done on that this weekend..thanks y'all for going to Vegas and not distracting me..still a couple parties, but no sleepovers this weekend)ok, anyway, I think there may be another plan to make sure I don't have to come back here this summer. I won't tell you what it is in case I can't do it and then I will be sad when I read this later. Anyway, I sent in my commencement RSVP yesterday..yeeeowza!..I have NEVER taken part in a commencement..I was so depressed on the day I was supposed to graduate from highschool..I refused to go to any graduation parties and felt all sad. I still got my diploma at the end of the summer, but still, not the same. On the day I should have proudly marched up to the podium and collected my HS Diploma, I was actually receiving a miniscule certificate that would inform the DMV that I had, in fact, successfully completed my Motorcycle Safety Course. So..at least that was somethin. Anyhow, my commencement ceremony is 9am, May 8th at UIC pavilion, you are all invited. You won't come though, b/c that is Mother's day and a Sunday and fucking early. I have to go buy my cap and gown soon. I don't know what color I am..I think my tassle is white though. I really need to get cracking on that paper..um, and the other three I have to write for my "current" classes..but ya know, to keep me going I must just think..after this..I NEVER HAVE TO WRITE ANOTHER PAPER AGAIN!..until grad school, but who knows when I'll do that.

I just emailed my father and brother about the commencement ceremony..my mother and sister re planning on coming as well..good thing UIC pavillion is big and noone has to sit together...also, that they will search people on the way in to make sure they are not terrorists..so no sniping on either side! jeez.

ok I am getting better now

2005-04-05T12:54:00.000-05:00

Alright, i am erasing all my bitchy posts..infact probably ALL the posts about the mp.git. I am done bitching and moaning on the internet about my bruised ego and dashed hopes.. Time to be all magnanimous again.

minty minty mutiny

2005-04-04T11:11:00.000-05:00

ok here is a link to Saturday night pics..these are not the ones i took..I have not loaded those yet..so you will see a lot of gigigvenom, the bride to be, but I am in some too. I have decided I always look completely tard-like when playing..oh well, I had fun!..and interesting circumstances result in me thinking that perhaps I am not unattractive. http://www.venomlords.com/april2_05/

the two ends of damen

2005-03-31T00:46:00.000-06:00

ok I am sad and i NEVER want to feel like I am filling a gap for someone who is in love with someone else again. I better not..OR ELSE. haha. Anyway, I went from break up central to a bar where all sorts of friends were waiting for me. THEY all love me, well some only know me well enough to like me, but you know what I mean..I got to see one of the New years New York party brigade again, and Sonja is back from the wilds of Europe and ready to party it up and break hearts. She is younger and blonder and taller than me, so maybe I will enlist her for a hunting party and we can get every taste in the book to folow us around hardeharhar. Once upon a time, I would actually have done that. not now though. i am looking for love. there you go i said it. I am Debbie, I am NOT tough, I am in need of loving, all sorts, and that is how it is. However, what I am going to GET is leftover pizza and a cat snuggle. could be worse.
good night.

When I was leaving after finally making my decision and taking charge of my life and my feelings again, i mainly felt relief..and the acid butterflies in my stomach left too. I even felt happy, but now I am sad. I am mad that I am sad. gggrrrraaaahhhbbbbllllleeeggghhhht. you would be surprised how hard that was to spell.

HELLO, I need to pee, so what is your name?

2005-03-25T16:14:00.000-06:00

I hate the Doors. sorry.
I have the thinkies a bit. In general, I am thinking about the nature of self-pity. It is absolutely necessary sometimes to feel sorry for yourself..seriously..hear me out. Sometimes you get so ground down that you need to view yourself as worthy of sympathy, before you can get up enough anger or other energy to change things..and to have the belief that you deserve to. I mean, if you never feel sorry for yourself, you MAY be really evolved and functional. Or you may think you deserve the crap you are being served and told it is chocolate. Most people need to feel sorry for themselves for a while. I have a friend who actually has a formula. She wallows unreservedly in self-pity for three days following some unpleasant turn of events. She then gets off her ass and does something about it...she still bitches about it for years though, so her method is not perfect, but she isn't living in a box either. In principle though, I think it is a good idea, we DESERVE time to feel utterly sorry for ourselves. I have really worn out the self-pity welcome in my time once or twice, and I need to work out the kinks ( I DO like that band) of how much time is too much, but generally you are ready to do something when you start to bore yourself.
One thing that is important, is not to write off any one time as absolutely awful. i tell you one thing my friends, when you meet someone you like during a "bad time in their life" and they don't seem to think that meeting YOU sways the balance a bit towards "good time" in their lives, it hurts your feelings. Especially if you were thinking that they might be an improvement in your life. So ALWAYS focusing on what is sucky, can drive away the things that are NOT sucky. Difficult to see sometimes, and not something i have never thought before, but still, it is MY blog and I can write whatever I want YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Ah well, C'est la vie ..la vie. har har.

yay good job Wednesday

2005-03-09T10:49:00.000-06:00

Today I did NOT fuck up my interview. I conducted myself profesionally and still conveyed that I care..I asked open ended questions, I reflected back and followed up with questions. I had an excellent "attending manner" i was told i would be a good therapist. great. I think so too, but I aint gonna cuz I fucked up my grades and i don't have the money for grad school and well boo hoo me. HR it is.

see what I mean?

2005-03-08T09:37:00.000-06:00

this morning I thought I had class at 9:30..I didn't. I knew classes in this class had been reduced to once a week, but I thought it was tuesdays not thursdays..I was running late so I took a cab..for no reason at all. I thought I had practice tonight..I don't..and my afternoon class is cancelled too..so um I should have stayed in bed..I really feel like my head is stuffed with cotton..can meds make you stupid?..I'm sure they can.

yeowza

2005-03-08T08:11:00.000-06:00

My head was very messed up yesterrday what with anxiety attacks followed by a certain stupidity for the rest of the day..stopping short in the middle of crossing the street, forgetting what had JUST been said to me etc. So, I crashed hard and early last night and I think I might be functional today..although I am not entirely sure. i have to listen to the tape of my TERRIBLE interview from yesterday..i really didn't think it would be that bad!..arrg.
later

I got my new hat

2005-03-03T12:06:00.000-06:00

and that is all that matters. it is rabbit fluffy..sheds a little bit..and my cat wants to eat it. I need to write another paper. I can't let people being lame distract me from my stuff. hmm I am using the word "lame" I did not think that that would be one that would re-enter my personal lexicon. Just goes to show, we cannot predict the future.
anyway, off to do my stuff so I can like me.

ok the bus waited for me

2005-03-02T12:45:00.000-06:00

Alright I have been playing catch-up all week, and although I still have a midterm that will require herculean study tomorrow morning and also another writing assignment and some research to do by 2pm tomorrow..they are within the realms of possibility and I don't think I have put myself in a position to fail anything..and i am still able to get maybe As and def. Bs in my classes worth the most credit hours. Sooo, not what I had hoped, but not disastrous either. I still like the lego maniac, but I had to tell him off a bit last night b/c two nights in a row he left me waiting for a call about whether or not/when he was coming over and both times (especially last night) he didn't come over, and I was annoyed that he didn't just say that he had stuff to do in the first place. I think he needs to figure out how long things take and not be so optimistic about it..b/c if you really think you are gonna finish a whole demo's worth of guitar tracks in 2 hours, you are just being dumb. ..and waiting for calls makes me nervous and insecure and i am not fond of those states. ....or Indiana..heheh. I am supposed to receive my "Mad Bomber" avaitor hat filled with rabbit fur today. however, it is coming UPS so unless they decide to deliver after I get home from lab..I WON'T be receiving it today and will have a cold head for yet another 24 hours...at least, b/c i won't be home before 4 tomorrow either. eh. Also my engraved ipod is on its way..my little digital darling. Does anyone know and feel like explaining to me the whole deal about itunes and pc and mac. here is what I have been told (as i understand it) If you get itunes for pc..and upload onto your ipod, you will still be able to upload music files from a mac version (on a mac obviously) as well. however if you start your ipod off on a mac you will not be able to transfer/upload from a pc. Is this right or do i have a bogus informant?

I want to be a black silouette on a green background

2005-02-28T14:59:00.000-06:00

So I am gonna buy the ipod mini and I am gonna engrave it with my cute little personalization and i am going to be ever so freaking cool...but it is a little pricey. Anyhow, i think I am gonna get it...then I can steal all the lego maniac's song files in chunks of 1000 at a time. i hung out at his place last night and drank wine..quite a bit of it, with his housemates...they are like characters in a play. there is the guy that is always in a bathrobe until he gets dressed at like midnight to play with his recording stuff..and also is always yelling at everyone for household trifles and doing his crazy ex-marine workout so he can flex his muscles..in his bathrobe.., then there is the guy that gets very excited and animated when talking to girls, but the rest of the time can be found dismantling electronics and saving tiny little rare and precious cathodes for future projects all lovingly stowed away,then there is the ex bike messenger with the country music fetish who looks sooo like a jew( I like jews) but isn't, and has quite a way with the ladies, and then there is the mystery guy who lives upstairs, and nods to you on the way to the bathroom (other info on him not available at present)and then there is the lego maniac. I drank a lot of wine and got all showoffy and insisted on arm-wrestling with the ex-marine bathrobe wearer..I lost..then he made me do pull-ups..well..one pull-up..almost. so i said fuck it and sat down in the splits and everyone went "oooooooo". boys are always so impressed with that...anyway, i obviously went all flirtastic on the wine, but the maniac says he still likes me, better even, so i guess it's ok. I met the non-jew's girlfriend last night too..she is super freaking cool..i have a little girl-crush on her (not kissy kissy get your mind out of the gutter)..she's a flamenco dancer. She gave me her number, maybe I will have a new little friend! anyway, I did all my homework like a good girl, and now I have more to do, but I just thought I would pop in and blog..blog.

pull my head out, there's sandin my ears!

2005-02-23T07:44:00.000-06:00

Crazy hunter s. thompson. odd odd news.
anyway, i am not living in a mentally healthy way. i am fucking myself in school. i have just plain MISSED assignments and why?..I will tell you why, i have been intoxicated by a lego maniac, and he needs to have a job to go to, b/c this just staying in thing is too easy when you don't absolutely HAVE to be anywhere else. I sent him home yesterday and told him I did not want to see him for the rest of the week. now I am afraid to go to school b/c group members will be mad and I STILL have not finished a late paper for my first class. this is ass. why would I do this to me?..don't I like me? I feel like I am in one of those dreams where you are about to leave on a trip and you realize you have done NONE of the prep..and you also don't have a passport, but yet, no matter what you say or do, all you find yourself doing is tagging along on a whirlwind tour of village carnivals with all your friends...and the flight draws nearer.
Anyway, my financial stuff is finally getting sorted, that has been a little frightening the last few days. And finally, it was wonderful to see Silver, but I feel that I was a crap tourguide..I mean I took him to the same bar twice..well Jess took him, sooo I didn't really DO anything. I hope you had fun Silver. Ah well, when I come visit you, you can just take me to a movie or something and then we can spend the rest of the trip watching TV..then we will be even.

what we do every day pinky..

2005-02-18T12:47:00.000-06:00

So, I start therapy on monday. I will be soon be so empowered that I will take over THE WORLD!..ok i am not going to therapy for mania of any kind, nor do i have a god-complex. However, if i DO take over the world, don't say i didn't warn ya. Silver is coming to town tonight..jess says we will meet at my local, which is super for me. I have to write a letter to my bank now.

one other thing

2005-02-17T16:46:00.000-06:00

the fella was talking to me at dinner about spa-type or hotel places that he had been to w/ old girlfriends and saying that they were great and we should go. here is my thought about that. i don't want to go anywhere haunted (well i do, but not that kind of haunted) you may KNOW a place is a great little sex getaway, but i would rather you find out if a place is a good little sexy getaway with me..you know..together..even steven..like a team..where I am the original member.

people worry ..what are they worryin' about today?

2005-02-17T15:34:00.000-06:00

I had a great sushi last night with a person that i am liking a frightening amount. One of the frightening things, is that he has known (and loved) the feeling of really touring and all the girly perks that go with it. A freaking lot of girly perks. i am glad about the honest disclosure, but as i do like him so much i am having a new sensation for Deborah..what is it..now wait..i had it before once years ago..ah yes FIDELITY INSECURITY. I have not worried about anyone cheating on me in years..and um..years. not seriously worried anyway. I almost cheated once and it was shitty..i even told him i almost did, and i think that was the right thing to do, or not..i dunno, he was already jealous of that person and his friends had seen us together so i thought it best..of course hell, his friends tried to sleep with me too. Anyway, i told this person for whom i am feeling a growing attachment..that if i were dating him i would worry that he would cheat on me. umm, smart..yeah, the insecurity will DEFINITELY ensure that he knows he will never EVER do any better than me..heheh. Actually you know that is not what cheating is about..i don't think.. i don't think you are looking for something better than what you have at home when you cheat..just something different..and new and therefore exciting and easier in a way. ultimately, it is just something that makes you feel powerful. unfortunately it is at the expense of another person's feelings and therefore not the best way to feel empowered. i have been thinking about my policy on fidelity and here it is:
I realize sometimes that we all have people in our lives that teach us hard lessons. I have been taught lessons by being told to fuck off forever, and I have often felt that I have taught valuable lessons, for instance, to guys I have dated that their NEXT girlfriend reaps the benefit of. (I have seen the reaping, and man is it irksome, but a little satisfying at the same time) I think it is often the way, that unless you get a short sharp shock, you don't learn. That is why I don't tolerate cheating....b/c it WILL happen again, and the more times you forgive it the more it will happen. (that is a generalization and there are exceptions and true contrite apologies, but let's face it, if you cheat on someone you probably really don't respect them) So my policy is, that if I want to be with other people, I don't commit to a relationship or I break up (if I am already in one). Also, although I have forgiven it in the past (and regretted it)it is one strike and you are out if you cheat on me. Here we come back to what I was saying before..short sharp shock..if you lose something you care about IMMEDIATELY b/c of cheating, the chances are higher that you will think twice about it when you one day find someone else to love and to love you. it sucks having to start over, but sucks more to always look over your shoulder.Hey, i like that line..I think i'm gonna use it...me so pithy.

doesn't hate me

2005-02-16T10:07:00.000-06:00

I might go to vegas for a wedding, i might not, but it is nice to be asked..also, my old band are reunioning for a mini set for the bachelor/ette party. our old drummer want to play a show before she has her baby..she WANTS to play a show preggers, so ok, that is what we are gonna do.

post valentine

2005-02-15T13:06:00.000-06:00

Yay super gulshan sent me a valentine's mix tape..Thanks Gully! Apart from that V-day was weird, b/c I am all scared about likeing a new fella and he makes me feel like i have to keep up, and I can't rest on my laurels and still be better than him..um, I know that sounds bad..and well i have done it..and hell, it IS bad. I sucked for it, but I don't suck anymore. I got the "curse" yesterday too, so maybe i am just freaking hormaonal. dunno.
In other news, I am not invited to my friend's vegas wedding, oh well, probably good, i was at her last wedding and must have cursed it with my presence 'cuz it failed. So, that's ok. I didn't want to be invited anyway sothere, now i don't need to buy a present. Or maybe I am not invited b/c she knew I couldn't afford it anyway, or maybe she secretly hates me and is enjoying blowing me off in every conceivable way..probably. too bad for her b/c I am awesome.
I am unreasonably excited about the prospect of finally riding a mechanical bull, and playing 1/3 tourguide. This weekend is going to be fun fun fun. last weekend was fun too, and i was totally able to walk w/ no problems and my ankles were fine after skiing, so I really CAN make it my winter sport of choice and Jet off to Switzerland one day and be the coolest ever..um except for Jess, b/c she is like so hot, and smart and talented, and insightful, and has such nice skin and dress sense and..well that should do for today ;)

E-A-D-G-B-E in my genes?

2005-02-09T13:26:00.000-06:00

Is being attractive to rockers genetic?..Is having an attraction to them? just wondering. I met an interesting young man. that is all I will say for now.

one last thing

2005-02-04T11:49:00.000-06:00

He is a twat.

corsage and caustic wit

2005-02-04T11:32:00.000-06:00

some people will never be greatful when they should. Some people will never get their head out of their ass. some people will never amount to anything..but i am NOT going to be one of them.
i am going to my first highschool dance tomorrow. Prom at the Mutiny. I never went to any dances in highschool, partly b/c i was boycotting, and then later, b/c no one asked me. hmm. So I am putting on a tacky dress and going this weekend. unfortunately my ex-loser-boyfriend just has to go and taint my fun. (Ever date someone that makes you feel like cringing whenever you think about it later?) well I won't let him ruin it for me..I am just gonna give him a very healthy "I Feel" statement regarding the tuxedo he will be wearing that he never paid my dad for. yeah, my dad bought him a tux..stupid of him, but that is another story.
Of course if I REALLY want it to be like the prom I missed, we SHOULD have a big old fight and I will have to run off and cry in the bathroom and all my female friends will have to come find me except the slutty one who will be hitting on all the suddenly abandoned boyfriends. mmm highschool.

some kind of coffee in the evening

2005-02-03T10:49:00.000-06:00

I was up until about 4:30 in the morning, nope not drinking, or any other thing nefarious. I kept having unbidden lyrics floating round my head and, at least in my tired state, I was thinking they were good, so I had to keep getting up to write them down. Maybe they were not good and I was just hyper. or maybe I am brilliant and simply cannot sleep because my "craft" is driving me so hard to greatness. yeah that's it.

she done done done done done it again

2005-02-01T11:19:00.000-06:00

I have this person I know/was friends with/ whatever I don't really know, anyway, She keeps making me feel like a total fool, we were fighting for a long time then buried the hatchet and for 6 months she has been making plans with me or saying that we SHOULD make plans and then blowing me off. I mean seriously, I didn't say you had to ask me to hang out, if you don't want to just don't do it jeez!..Every time I get an email or call from her, I call or email her back, and then she doesn't respond/call back for as much time as it takes to forget about the proposed plans..and then she does it all over again. She dd'd me this weekend and told my answering machine that I HAD to come out with her this coming friday..no excuses, so I called her back Sat. morning and haven't heard a peep since..and I won't until AFTER friday..garaunteed. I keep thinking I should just not respond when she asks me to do something, but then I feel like I am being rude. I dunno, I just wish she would stop asking me to do stuff. it's stupid.
Anyway, I am trying to get motivated for lab write ups..and I am really hungry, I think I am gonna bust into the "hearty bean and ham" soup. I love soup. I also wish I had the Kinks "the kinks are the village green preservation society"..if you have it, and are feeling super generous, you could burn it for me..but only if you wanna. it is all b/c of that darn HP printer commercial.."picture book..pictures of your mamma, taken by your pappa..blah blah, blah blah blah"
ok bye
ok

hello!

2005-01-28T17:34:00.000-06:00

it's ok, none of that stuff yesterday was real..i'm ok, except i feel a little blocked up..i think i have a "culprit"

I am beginning to understand...and the implications are frightening and miserable

2005-01-27T15:34:00.000-06:00

I am at school and in a building I have only entered once in the last three years..as long as I don't see anyone who knows me, I might be safe until it is good and dark outside. If there is anyone out there who knows me and is still in their right mind, I hope you will read this.
It has taken me all day to work out the pattern of madness around me and I have ..I almost wish I hadn't.
Last night there was a terrible electrical storm..and it has affected all my home electronics. I was unable to recieve information from the outside world at all this morning, so I was more than usually prompted to leave the house. When I ventured outside and began to see other people, a frightening and as yet unexplainable transformation occured in them. I thought the transformations were occuring randomly, but that wasn't the case. I AM THE CATALYST. Each person I passed that I actually knew suddenly began to go berserk, they seemed to want to tear my skin off. Only those I knew however, underwent this frightening change. Few actually tried to physically attack me although it was obvious that if I didn't run, they would. Most thus far have satisfied themselves with screaming obscenities and spitting. I do have quite a bruise from my neigbor though..he was the first one I saw, and I lingered too long asking what the problem was. It is only among strangers that I am safe. As long as I play no active part in it, society appears to be functioning as normal.
It makes me almost wish I had never emerged from the crippling depression that kept me reclusive for so long, and at the same time glad that my attendance at this college has been poor over the last few years. I would never have been safe in this environment if had made as many friends and aquaintences as a normal person. Such a concentration of those undergoing THE CHANGE, would surely result in my death. As it is I don't feel safe, but I MUST write down what has happened. The strangest thing is that not everyone that I recognize seems to be affected. It seems that there has to be some certain level of intimacy to produce the required reaction. If I could just pinpoint it..is it a particular piece of information I have imparted?..is it those who know "the real me"? Or could it be a simple equation of the number of interactions I have had with them. These are hypotheses that I cannot test. I will stay here until it is dark enough for me to be less recognizable..then I will try and make it home by a route I don't normally take..I pray to God I don't see anyone I know, but I can't leave town with just the clothes on my back..and I have to provide for Chevy in some way. The tears are flowing freely now my friends, if any of you are still the same people I once knew, I hope your memories of me will be kind ones. I have to leave, I have to go where noone I now know will ever see me. I don't know what kind of life lies ahead. I hope with time, I can learn to fix the problem, to find a cure, but too many people know me here..it isn't safe. I never know when I might run into a friend, and if there were more than one at a time, I wouldn't bet much on my chances. i have yet to see any close friends yet today even, I cannot tell if the reaction would be stronger in them, and I cannot risk it. Goodbye, I will remember you all, and I will try to forget this terrible day.

What the hell has happened?

2005-01-27T13:43:00.000-06:00

Jesus!..I finally found a computer that is still connected to what appears to be the same internet i knew yesterday..so far, that is the ONLY thing I understand..if anyone can read this, please send help..i think I am still in Chicago, on Armitage..it is an internet cafe, apart from that I am not sure..I don't have long before THEY find me..oh GOD how could this have happened? SHIT..it's happening again..i will try to get bac..276q5fsg )9..//.?;l

Today is upside down and backwards day.

2005-01-27T09:21:00.000-06:00

Don't forget and go writing things that actually happened. ;)

here's the skinny

2005-01-26T19:57:00.000-06:00

There is this woman at UIC that keeps asking me if I have lost weight and telling me how great I look. Gosh, I love going to school!

ok umm

2005-01-26T14:05:00.000-06:00

or maybe i am just smart, and am getting better at weeding out the bad ones.

ya know

2005-01-26T14:04:00.000-06:00

reading my last post, maybe i am just as much of an asshole. Why must I take so long over learning these truths that are self-evident?

small bitch

2005-01-26T13:45:00.000-06:00

By doing some pathetic internet sleuthing..I think I figured out that the last guy I dated has a new girlfriend (I said dated, not my last "relationship") anyway, when I called it off with him I did it early (about 2 months) in hopes that we could be friends which I sorely needed at the time. Pretty much immediately the call-back levels dropped to about 10 percent..and he would generally call drunk and fairly late so i wonder what he wanted to talk about hmmm? Then he stopped talking to me all together, after I slept with him one more time..and I mean immediately after, I have had a couple late night messages in the last two months maybe, but I have actually not gotten hold of him at all since "the incident". What I am getting at here is, I am TIRED of being told I have friends, when all they want to do is sleep with me and once they have done that, won't even talk to me anymore. Especially when they embark on a new relationship..it is worse then, kind of..b/c you may have thought that they were friends...but REALLY they were just keeping you in circulation until they had a regular bedmate they could rely on..therefore they didn't need to keep you in the friend zone "just in case". whatever. I hope I don't sound pathetic in this post, I am just tired of it. I guess I have done the same thing to some guys, I dunno. I suppose if you decide not to date someone, you can't really expect them to keep remembering all your good points..especially if they are shallow, self-centered, little boys. heheh ok. enough time for Lab.

A fairytale fable day

2005-01-25T11:27:00.000-06:00

So, members of my "friends list" on LJ, are proposing something kind of groovy for this thursday Jan. 27. it has been proposed, that on that day (in honor of Lewis Carroll's birthday) we all write about our worlds going topsy-turvy and making no sense.. i.e. you woke up covered with fur and with a craving for raw meat?..you suddennly understand the screams of the vegetables that evil vegans are killing? politicians are openly "untouchables" in society and political candidates are chosen by lottery? there is no gravity? you are suddenly invisible but VERY smelly? your pets are huge and you are small and they won't let YOU leave the house? or aliens? maybe you are now the opposite sex than what you have always been? Everyone travells by jetpack..without burning their bums?..whatever..but wouldn't it be fun if ALL entries on that day were like that and noone wrote about anything that actually happened?..I think so. please try it. Unless of course you have something truly unbelievable that actually DID happen...

Dammit!

2005-01-21T13:26:00.000-06:00

my post just disappeared b/c i didn't "send an error report"..grr. Well anyway I was saying things about winter fun activities..it was a lot more well written and interesting than what I will write now, but I don't feel like repeating myself so there.
however. Millenium Park ice-skating at night. Amy and I are definitely going tuesday, and then going to Club Foot for a drinkie while Vee spins his stuff, I am also interested in going any other evening anyone else wants to. Skate rental is 4-5 bucks..umm depending on how big your feet are I guess???
Winter does not suck if you act like a kid. I LOVE my new boots.

feel sorry for me

2005-01-16T08:35:00.000-06:00

ok, I thought I was sick before, but I was only a little under the weather. the last 36 hours..THAT was sick. Now the mass exodus is over though, and I am left with just what feels like a sinus infection. thank goodness. Also, I might have lost a couple pounds. Jess came over last night and brought me a sick menu. she is so aces. THANKS JESS! I think I will have a banana.
Tomorrow, all my new shoes arrive, I am so excited.:) I have no other news, except that channel 23 "METV" is showing some good stuff. The A-Team is back on man!, you cannot beat that. I think it w0uld be fun to have a tour van painted to look like the B.A. Barracus mobile. Club owners would probably get tired of you driving through their walls though..as seems to be an absolute necessity in every episode of the A Team. Oh, the twilight zone is on too..the old one, not the one hosted by the guy that was in "Good Morning Vietnam".

boots and bras

2005-01-13T13:40:00.000-06:00

There is a rumour I am getting my money. I have picked out one pair of shoes and three pairs of boots (1.every day, 2.sexy, and 3.FUCK THIS WEATHER) and this weekend I will get my mammory protuberances trussed and covered all nice. I won't have any money left over for other clothes, but well who cares?
I am hungry, I think I will use my last 3 dollars on a hotdog and a beverage. mmmm, cheap food.

I wore a belted raincoat

2005-01-12T17:29:00.000-06:00

MAN! I absolutely become Posy Productive when the weather is like this..even when it isn't a welcome reprove from Chicago winter. I was a little shocked to hear THUNDER this morning though..I didn't think you could get thunderstorms in the winter???..but enough about the weather. I was day-dreaming about when and by what transport I am going to go to NYC again all the walk home from the train, and I was thinking about where I would take visitors if I ever had any..hint. I also actually had to scuttle up behind this guy who was walking in front of me looking all Aaron Arrogant..(and this time it is actually an alliteration coupling with some meaning). This guy had obviously natural blond hair, but his body was EXACTLY like my old..very old.. boyfr....actually just this guy I know. Anyway, he was the same tall gangly skinny with the same huge feet that flap themselves forward all pigeon-toed..(gosh i'm making this guy sound attractive) ..anyway, he was having obviously a very important conversation on his cell phone. As he paused at a red light, he had time to express his feelings to the person on the other end of the call, by flailing his arms around dramatically and sort of slapping them down on his sides in an EXACT imitation of this..guy I know..it was absolutely uncanny. I had to scuttle up to check for the presence or absence of the big nose to make sure it wasn't the same guy only a couple years younger and different color hair..ummm. Ok, the obvious age difference didn't register b/c I have been reading "Einstein's Dreams" all day on the train. I just did my dishes whileI talked to my mummy. I am waiting for the skin to get un-pruney so I can play guit-fiddle. bye for now.

furry animals in my throat

2005-01-10T10:56:00.000-06:00

I'm Sick!..bleh! grr.

zaa

2005-01-09T11:39:00.000-06:00

I finally feel as if i have had enough sleep after New year's weekend and a couple other nights I have been out this week. Good thing, b/c classes start tomorrow. I feel a little UTI-ish though..lots of water today, I am probably dehydrated from the heat (um the gas forced heat, not some personal heatwave noone else in Chicago is experiencing).
So today, I am going to make pizza, with my new pizza dough recipe. mmmm. and my own sauce of course. I have found that if you do not have/want actual sausage on your pizza, the addition of fennel seed to the sauce layer gives a nice sausage taste impression. Now you know all my secrets. I still have not finished that paper. I need to do that today as well..as well as making wholesome frozen meals for the week. Life is thrilling here in fanackapan's little land.
I have three new songs brewing in my mind though. I have however discovered that I definitely need SOMETHING to record my ideas with. I already forgot exactly how one of my kristin hershish vocal melodies went and that just won't do. I hardly ever did bother with using the 4-track, but I think a dictophone is in order. Hey, in the meantime, I will use my answering machine outgoing message, how about that?..yup. it needs to stop saying "Happ-Y New year!..like frosty the snowman, anyway.

twomey twoblogs

2005-01-08T13:31:00.000-06:00

Ok, I think it is a little stupid to have TWO blogs. I kind of maybe sort of should have given out my LJ and had people link to it if they were so inclined..but well, I know my ex reads it (i'm unforgettable), and so I post pretty much anything interesting as "friends only", so noone nonLJ would be able to read it, and so you would all think I never do anything but talk to my cat..and ..um..that isn't true..er, really. So I went out with friends last night and might have had too much whiskey, I still have not made it to the bank, but I bought a few new books. I am rather enjoying "The Diary of a Nobody" by George and Weedon Grossmith. It is JUST the sort of thing my mother would read and is rather comforting in that way. It's about Victorian English suburbs. The anti hero's name is "Pooter"..heheh. I also got "Down all the Days" ..and Einstein's Dreams..b/c i darn well keep seeing it every time i am in a bookshop, and I figured that was the cosmos telling me there is something important for me to learn in the novel, whatever.
I have a headache, and I am thirsty, and I am stupid today...yes just today, shut it.

addititon:
ooooo, I KNEW "Down all the Days" was a song too, i finally remembered who it is..steel pole bathtub. ok, that is all...dismissed.

titles are neat

2005-01-07T10:47:00.000-06:00

I am still thinking about that one thing. I get so freaking sensitive on that topic these days. I will get over it though. My cat yelled at me a lot, for some reason she thought I should get up and feed her. I really need a life..shall I go to work today or work on a paper?..I think I better work on the paper..I have to go to the bank though..braving falling ice and yet another downtown fire..what the hell? Almost everyone has cleaned off their cars outside my window, so the world has sharp angles again.

You are forgetful...that is A-Ok.

2005-01-06T11:51:00.000-06:00

My friend Vee left his record sack at my house after his DJ gig the other night. tits. I didn't even notice, he called yesterday to tell me. Now I can have a cd burning party with myself. goody goody gumdrops. being poor sucks, but having friends with good collections is aces.
I think I will make a BLT.

oh look, a blogger.

2005-01-06T10:47:00.000-06:00

I decided to join blogger.com One blog is just not enough for someone with such a need for prolific slacking.
Also, it seems that I cannot comment on blogger.com unless I have an account and I just LOVE giving my opinion. So I am no longer solely LJ. hmm, I am a blog slut.
I just told someone I didn't want to continue talking to them. I hate doing "the right thing", but it sure seems like a good way to start the year. I don't want God to hate me, he may or may not have all the big guns..and he is already cutting me a lot of slack with that whole "not believing in him/it" issue.